As mortal creatures, it pays to be mindful about what you put your junk into. No story demonstrates this better than the tale of a diver who went where no man had gone before by putting their penis into a giant clam, only to have their shellfish allergy triggered by the unfortunate encounter. The story, however, is just that: a story. A work of interspecies erotic fiction, if you will. That’s however not to say that we can’t learn anything from it, most pertinently: leave the clams alone.

The myth hails back to a story posted to the World News Daily Report website, a satirical news site that displays a disclaimer at the bottom of all its articles.

“World News Daily Report assumes all responsibility for the satirical nature of its articles and for the fictional nature of their content. All characters appearing in the articles in this website – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional and any resemblance between them and any person, living, dead or undead, is purely a miracle.”

The fake news story in question was published in March 2018, and details the grim fate of Sean Madison, 22, while scuba diving on a comedown from Gamma Hydroxybutyrate, more commonly known as GHB (the drug that inspired boiled egg butt activities), and ecstasy. Memory impaired, the young and sexually adventurous fictional diver decided to put his penis inside a giant clam only to find “it just wouldn’t let go”.

The story then goes that Madison was eventually able to free himself from the clam only to fall victim to a severe allergic reaction which was treated at Ka’u Hospital, Hawaii. While no such patient admission occurred, the picture featured on the satirical news site actually does show the consequences of a forced animal encounter in true Florida Man style.

According to a debunking piece from Snopes, the photo shows 18-year-old Austin Hatfield from Wimauma, Florida, who tried to kiss a cottonmouth snake. As venomous pit vipers, a kiss with a cottonmouth is a questionable idea as their venom contains enzymes that destroy tissue causing injury and inflammation.

This inflammation is to thank for Hatfield’s rather puffy complexion that’s not too dissimilar to the kind of swelling seen in patients with anaphylaxis following an allergic reaction.

“The kind of reaction you get to sticking your peen in shellfish,” I hear you ask?

Not this time. But ye be warned…

If it’s tales of legitimate penile distress you’re after, someone was hospitalized after trying to measure the length of theirs using a USB cable. While membership has its pitfalls (according to these penis owners), it’s an appendage worth taking care of and not something you want to put into a bottle of potassium.